Friday, March 16, 2012

Week 51: Santo en el puño de la muerte (Santo in Fist of Death, 1982)

     So here we are, the penultimate Santo movie. It's been a long year, filled with masked latin heroes, silly rubber faced monster men, and big bazongaed babes of all shapes and sizes. This week, we encounter more of the same, in the vaguely titled Fist Of Death. That title might mean any sort of thing. One imagines Santo evading the fists of a grim reaper sort of character. Instead, the movie unravels a tale of strangeness involving good and evil twin priestesses, a star child, and a bunch of Mexicans pretending to be Chinese martial arts experts. 

"You didn't have to steal the table too..."

     The evil priestess, with mammary glands the size of Texas, tasks her evil chief henchman, an unnamed luchador, to steal a glowing space rock from her goody two-shoe sister. Once he does this, the good priestess, also with a boob job so laughingly huge they could've seen these things from space, consults a suspiciously C-3PO like oracle, who summons Santo to aid them in their retrieval of the magic space rock.

Look! Boobs!

The Ewoks weren't his only worshippers.

   Seriously, look at that image. Its so awesomely shameless that they used a C-3PO halloween mask. Anyway, it turns out that the star child, known as "jungle girl", had come to the priestesses with the space rock long ago, and now that she is an adult, she is betrothed to a prince from, I guess, China, or at least some vague asiatic country. This prince arrives to collect his new bride, but has to throw into the mix of nonsense when the evil priestess and her luchador goon decide to sacrifice jungle girl to...whatever. None of this is ever really explained properly. 

It's a lovely day for a pontoon ride. 

      Santo and his sidekick Carlitos spend most of the movie commuting to the esoteric temples where all these goofy characters call home. They're in a swamp pontoon boat, and then an airplane, and then another boat, and then another boat, and another. I guess the producers decided to just film all the transportation details behind the scenes and add them into the movie. Santo does get a shockingly gory (for a santo movie) scene where he hurls an assassin into the propeller blades of said plane. 


    This is one of the stranger latter day Santo movies, and probably one of the strangest all around. There's all these weird, martial arts characters living out in a swamp someplace in a big stone temple. Who the hell are these people? Why are they living out there? Why do they all worship a big glowing salt rock shaped like a penis? Why does Santo never look around at all these goofy fuckers and ask "what the hell is wrong with you people?"


Two Silver Masks out of a possible Five

Fun Fact: Just a year after his retirement in 1984, Santo was a guest on Contrapunto, a Mexican television program. Without warning,  he removed his mask just enough to expose his face, in effect bidding his fans goodbye.[3] It is the only documented case of Santo ever removing his mask in public.[2] Santo died from a heart attack on February 5, 1984,  a week after his Contrapunto TV appearance.

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